I'm writing a book...

Writing a book has always been one of the top things on my bucket list (you know, the list of things you want to do before you die). But I always thought life would just present me with the right time to do it, probably at some point after I become Wise.

As I've thought more about what I want to do next year when I graduate* and have to go in to the World of Work, I just don't feel ready. I know it makes me sound like a knob, because most people don't have the luxury of just not 'feeling ready' to work, and I'm not sure I do either really. But my thinking is something like this: I've changed a lot at university, so most people who know me would say. I've grown up, I've had therapy, I've had some convictions shaken up, and others I've just better thought through. I've questioned my identity, I've discovered new identities. I've been left knowing far more about theology than I did before, and far less about myself and about life. That takes some processing, and I think it's a worthwhile process. When I'm in Oxford, I don't have much time to think and to process, there are a lot of essays and a lot of people. When I do find myself thinking, it usually means I forfeit sleep, or a decent essay. So if I want to think, to process, to work out if I've got anything to say to the world and how to go about saying it, I'll need a bit of time and space. 

I know the first thing I want to write though, my book. I can't explain what it is though, because I'm scared that if I try, it'll sound crap and I won't want to write it any more. It's a very fragile idea at the moment. But I want to try, to plan it, research it, write sample chapters, and see if anyone wants me to do it. If they don't, I'll probably just write it anyway, and consider myself one of those genius types who is only appreciated after their time. 

Today, I did Step One in the Grand Book Writing Plan. I bought a notebook for scribblings and thoughts. Actually, I did Step Two as well. I scribbled some thoughts. I'm not sure where one goes next in writing a book, but I know I need to get far enough into it that I can justify not diving straight into a graduate scheme or church apprenticeship straight after university, to make it a real project that is actually worth my time and energy. Maybe while I throw myself into that, I'll have time for all that other thinking I want to do too. We'll see. 

*I won't actually graduate for a while after I finish my degree because of Oxford's nonsensical system, but you know, I'll have finished the part of life where people tell me what to write and when.